


he never came back

by FlicksFics



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, M/M, Suicide, so this is rather dark, this is based on the idea of 'what if jean commited suicide like in every other version, this is not a happy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 03:28:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28718091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlicksFics/pseuds/FlicksFics
Summary: Jeremy gets four weeks with Jean, four beautiful, wonderful, exhausting, worrying weeks. Then it all falls apart, and Jeremy falls with it.
Relationships: Jeremy Knox/Jean Moreau, background Kandreil, background Laila/Alvarez
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	he never came back

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This fic is based on a thing that's mentioned in the extra content- that in every other version, Jean committed suicide when he left the Nest to draw attention to how horrible it was there. PLEASE be careful when reading if this is something that could trigger you. There are more detail warnings at the end if you need them. Additionally, Jeremy blames himself for this and that's here too. 
> 
> Please let me know if there's anything you think I should tag, and I'll be happy to do so.

It's been a month since Jean showed up at the airport and got in the car, looking lost and a wreck and about thirty seconds from a mental breakdown. It's been a month since Jeremy started cohabitating with the most promising backliner in NCAA exy. It's been three days since Kevin called to warn Jeremy that Jean wouldn't be as okay as he appeared to be. It's been two days since Jean made dinner for the two of them. It's been twenty-four hours since Jean slept through a night. It's been three hours since Jean took a breath.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After fighting baggage claim at LAX, Jeremy and Jean had stopped at a drive through to get some food for both of them because it was seven am and Jean was still on Palmetto time, which meant Jean had to each, and Jeremy got to eat (he was always hungry; sue him). By the time they got to the other side and had the food, Jean looked a little less like he was going to throw up and start uncontrollably sobbing at any moment. He and Jeremy ate in the sort of silence that happens when someone is in a car with a person they don't know, but very much feel as though they already should. Jeremy had reached for the radio, but after a panicked look and a sudden flinch from Jean, he took his hand back.  Jeremy’s attempts at apologizing didn’t seem to comfort Jean much, and while it disturbed him that there didn't appear to be a way to remedy the discomfort he’d caused Jean, he knew when to leave things alone.  The drive to the dorms had been mostly silent. Jean hadn't seemed interested in talking and Jeremy was okay with that. 

_ He should have known he should have seen it coming he should have noticed he should have- _

Jeremy knew not to leave Jean alone ("We Ravens can't do that," Kevin had said). He also knew that forcing Jean to voice his own opinions wouldn't be good. When they got back to the dorms, Jean had unpacked (how did he have so little?) and they went on an abbreviated tour of campus, and then they headed to the court. Jean wanted to practice and Kevin had said that playing might help Jean settle in, so Jeremy took him to the locker rooms and they changed out. 

_ He was so oblivious how did he not figure it out how did he miss all of the signs, how did he- _

Something about Jean shifted when he got on the court. He seemed a little more at home, and a little more nervous. Jeremy showed him a couple of Trojan drills (holy shit Jean was a fast learner and fuck was he quick) and Jean got through them perfectly. They did a couple of Raven drills at Jean's request, and by that time they'd spent an hour and a half on the court and Coach Rhemann wanted to meet Jean, so they changed out and showered off before they headed to the offices. The rest of the day was a whirl of introducing Jean to the adults who worked with the team- the psychologist, the physical therapist, the nurse, the sports wellness evaluator, and the team trainer. By the time they got back to the dorm, both of them were exhausted and hungry, so Jeremy made mac n cheese and they ate and passed out.

Jean didn't sleep well that night. He woke up screaming about every two hours. Jeremy turned the light on every time so Jean knew where he was and would wake up.

_ He should have noticed, he should have seen it, it was so obvious, how was he so blind, how could- _

After the first time, Jeremy learned that touching Jean while he was having a nightmare was inadvisable. It made him more terrified. When morning came, they were both still a bit drowsy , but Jean went nonverbal and Jeremy knew not to push him. 

The rest of the week was kind of like that. Food, court, coach, Jean going to therapy, food, court, food, home, bad sleep.

Partway into the second week, Jean started sleeping through the night.

_ This isn't your fault, you weren't the catalyst, you couldn't have been. In no way is this on you, Jer- _

Jean seemed okay when he woke up the next morning, just a little more groggy than normal. Jeremy took it as an accomplishment and made something French for dinner. Jean smiled a little that night. Jeremy woke up at 2am to find that Jean wasn't in bed and panicked. He tried to keep it under control, and upon finding Jean asleep on the couch, grabbed his blanket and slept on the floor on the other side of the living room. He called Kevin that morning.

_ Kevin had told him, he had been warned, he knew this was going to happen why didn't he stop it why- _

Kevin said that Jean might just be having a problem adjusting to USC, and to take him somewhere that would remind him that he was in California and not West Virginia.

They went to the beach. Jean couldn't stop staring at the sky.

_ He never came back, he was never back, he was never himself, it was right there spelled out- _

Jean slept in his own bed that night, and the nightmares were back. From then on, it was a guessing game as to how much sleep they would get at night. Some nights, Jean slept all night and some nights he had so many nightmares he was woken up every half hour. Those nights, Jeremy stayed on the floor near the light so that when Jean screamed in his sleep, he wouldn't wake up alone in the dark. The dark all looks very similar when you're alone. 

Jean had tried, a couple of times, to tell Jeremy that the help wasn't necessary. Jeremy had said that it was his responsibility to take care of his team as their captain and Jean shut down completely. He wouldn't talk, wouldn't eat, would only play exy. He slept that night.

_ It was on a silver platter in front of his face, he should have said something else, he knew- _

After that, the nightmares stopped. Jean didn't have them again, and when Jeremy called Kevin to ask, Kevin didn't pick up. He didn't call back, either. Jean's therapist, after some convincing and communication with Coach, had given Jean medication to help. Maybe the meds had done something significant, had done the thing they were supposed to.

Kevin called later, just to leave a message and say that Renee said that Jean was happier.

_ He lived in a castle of lies and this was convincing of that this was what he deserved for missing it all he couldn't he should just go- _

Jean amassed a small group of things he used routinely. A coffee cup, an old band t-shirt, a tube of chapstick. Not much, but they were his and his alone. He used the coffee cup so often that it had a little tint from where his hot cocoa had left a ring after he drank from it. Jeremy liked knowing that Jean had things that he thought of as his own, or at least as his enough that he used them regularly.

Jeremy still wouldn't leave Jean for more than 10 minutes at a time. Kevin said it would take time for Jean to be able to be alone again. Kevin said that he might not even be able to be alone by the end of the year. Kevin said a lot, sometimes. He said that Neil and Andrew were a lot of the reason he could be alone more often, but even then he couldn't do it for very long.

_ How was he gone he was just here he should be here he should just be waking up the he should be making cocoa and humming a little he should be- _

The third week, Jean met Alvarez and Laila. It went alright, but he was frosty to them and they didn't know how to handle him properly, and ultimately Jeremy did the most talking. That was okay, anyway. Jean did say that he thought they were nice. He said the word ‘nice’ like it was poison, but he thought they were nice. He thought Laila was an excellent goalkeeper. 

Jeremy and Jean went to Ikea and bought Jean a couple new pillows and a new miniature bookshelf. That was a good day, for both of them. Jean still couldn't tear his eyes away from the sky.

_ The sky the sky the sky he loved the sky he should be here, looking at the sky why isn't he here? Why why why wh- _

The fourth week, Jean spent more time on the court than before. That meant Jeremy did too, but he found he didn't mind all of the training so much. It was good to practice against someone he didn't know inside and out. But. But there was a downside and he was bone tired after that first week, and so he fell asleep early on Friday night with Jean in the bed across from him. He didn't think about the fact that every other night he hadn't fallen asleep until after Jean did, to make sure Jean remembered to sleep and actually got the sleep that he needed. (That had been an issue since the first week, Jean would just- forget to go back to sleep after a nightmare and pass out on his feet during, say, lunch.) 

He woke up at 6 AM to go for a run with Jean. Jean wasn't in the bed, but there were no noises coming from the kitchen, and everything just seemed a little off. Just a little. Jean wasn't sitting in the living area, either. Jeremy was getting really worried now. Really, really worried. The bathroom door was closed. Jeremy knocked gently. "Jean," he called. "Hey, you alright buddy?" No answer. "Hey, Jean! Jean, I need you to answer me, please." Nothing. "I'm coming in, alright? I just need to make sure you're okay." Jeremy pushed open the door and suddenly he was on his knees, his phone sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor.

_ Nononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononon- _

Jean is sitting in the bathtub fully clothed with an empty bottle of his prescription meds next to him. Jeremy can’t catch his breath because Jean isn't breathing. Jean has no heartbeat, Jeremy has checked, and suddenly a voice is coming out of the speaker of Jeremy’s phone and it's Neil and he can’t tell what Neil is saying and Jeremy is hanging up and calling 911 and then there is an ambulance and they're saying that Jean is dead but that can't be true it can't be Jean was doing well he must be okay they're lying they're lying they're lying they're- 

He can’t see. His eyes and head are heavy from the tears and the pressure in his head, from the painful reality setting in. Nothing is alright. Nothing is going to be okay. He can’t hear, he can’t see, he can’t breathe. Everyone saying that it was going to be okay, that it was going to be alright, they’re lying, because it won’t be okay it won’t be alright, it’s not okay nothing is okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Detail warning: Jean overdoses to commit suicide, and Jeremy finds him in the bathtub. Throught the fic, Jean is not doing well mentally, and this manifests in the form of nightmares and self-isolation.
> 
> I'm also on Tumblr at nickyshemmicks!


End file.
